The 6 Rs: Handling Resistance In Relationships
Six steps for approaching, communicating and working through resistance in your relationships.
Relationships aren’t easy. Even our seemingly least complicated connections take time and effort to maintain. For when two people come together, they bring with them their own unique thoughts, feelings and experiences; these fundamental differences can lead to friction, misunderstanding and conflict, all of which can contribute to feelings of resistance.
What is resistance in a relationship?
Resistance is the feeling of pulling away from your partner. It might be a feeling of avoidance or discomfort when you spend time together. It might be a critical, annoyed or otherwise dismissive voice that speaks up when they do or say something that you disagree with. Or it might simply be a quiet sense that something is off, but you’re just not sure how to bring it up, let alone how to pursue change. However it presents itself, resistance is a thief of communication and connection.
What does resistance in a relationship look like?
Resistance in a relationship can be outwardly expressed in a number of ways. It can be verbal, perhaps in the form of frequent arguments or disagreement, or an unusual lack of communication. It can be physical, such as pushing your partner away or withholding affection. It can also be emotional, for example withdrawing from your partner, becoming distant, or otherwise refusing to meet your partner’s needs.
What causes resistance in a relationship?
Resistance in a relationship can come about for a number of reasons. Some people may resist because they fear intimacy, others because of how they’ve been hurt in the past. Some may resist because they feel unheard or misunderstood, or because their partner is somehow being inconsiderate of or seemingly oblivious to their emotional or physical needs (whether these have been outwardly expressed or not!).
Resistance can be an awkward thing to deal with, but it’s a completely natural part of any relationship. And, if you can work to understand your own resistance (and/or that of your partner), you are on your way to addressing the issue and, ultimately, bolstering and strengthening your relationship.
How can resistance in a relationship be healed?
When handled carefully, resistance can be a healthy part of a relationship. In listening to your resistance, you can identify problem areas that can be worked through. Resistance can also help in the strengthening of your boundaries and in the gaining of insight around what you need from your relationships.
If, however, resistance is allowed to fester in a relationship, to go unchecked for too long, it can lead to bitterness, resentment and dissatisfaction. It can cause damage to (or even destroy) the relationship, putting a strain on the mental health of those involved. That’s why it’s important, if you value the relationship and feel that it’s worth working on, to address resistance and find ways to move past it.
The 6 Rs for approaching resistance in your relationships:
Step 1: Recalibrate
This is about stepping back. Let’s say, for example, your partner has said or done something that causes a wave of resistance to wash over you. Instead of immediately reacting or falling back on old patterns, take some time to breathe and recalibrate. Connect with yourself on a deeper level, and attempt to understand why you’re feeling the way you do.
What are you feeling?
Why are you feeling this?
How has your partner contributed to the feeling?
What do you need from them?
How might you communicate this?
Step 2: Respond
After recalibrating and gaining a deeper understanding of the root of your resistance, it’s time to respond. You might feel this can happen straightaway, or it may take a while to graduate to this step. Whenever you choose to respond, make sure that it’s a good time for both of you. This step requires a safe, calm space in which you can properly focus on and listen to each other.
In your response, explain to your partner how you’re feeling, and how their behaviour or words have affected you. Speak from the “I” space; this means responding in a way that focuses on your feelings and experience, rather than on accusations or assumptions around why your partner is behaving in a certain way.
Step 3: Request
Once you’ve explained how you’re feeling and what has led up to this feeling, make a request. This involves explicitly explaining to your partner what you need from them. Avoid assuming that they’ll immediately understand or intuitively grasp what you’re asking of them. Be prepared to spell out exactly the actions that will be required for you to feel heard, understood and respected.
In being explicit in your communication, you can leave the conversation with the knowledge that you said what you needed to say. It also gives your partner a fair chance in being able to take action or make the changes you asked for. You’ll also be able to refer back to the conversation in future if this particular issue persists (“remember when we spoke about…”).
Step 4: Reciprocate
Relationships are about give and take. After sitting down with your partner, offering your response and making your request, it’s only fair that you reciprocate. They too may feel the need to carry out steps 1-3 for themselves. This may take some time and it’s important that you give them as much space as they need, especially if this is the first time you’ve had this conversation; it may come completely out of the blue for them!
Listen to your partner and stay calm. You might not agree with everything they say, just as they may not fully understand your point of view. But, in approaching this with patience, you may very well come to an understanding or a compromise that leaves you both feeling respected, appreciated and valued.
Step 5: Regroup
Conversations like this aren’t easy but, hopefully, they will leave you feeling lighter. In honestly communicating the resistance you are feeling, you are taking a huge step towards being free of it. And, in the bigger picture of the relationship, you are cultivating a healthier, stronger bond based on mutual understanding and respect.
After the conversation, take some time to regroup. Hug it out, make dinner together, do something lighthearted. Relationships take work but they should also be fun and fulfilling and, after conversations like these, it’s important to spend some (less serious!) quality time together.
Step 6: Repeat
The final step, and perhaps the most important, is to repeat. Repeat, repeat, repeat. Keep being honest with your partner about how you’re feeling. Continue the habit of communicating your resistance above letting it express itself in other, more damaging ways.
Relationships will always require work. They aren’t a one-and-done kind of situation. But coming to a point where you both feel comfortable in the initiation of these conversations will aid you in cultivating a more consistent, open dialogue in which resistance is addressed before it becomes a roadblock in your relationship.
